The sexual landscape has changed: Stay safe

As a 41 year old woman who's been sexually active for over 25 years, I've seen a lot of things change: One of them being men's behaviour in the bedroom. Somewhere around my mid-20s I remember noticing that spanking had become more common. I'm not opposed to consensual slaps, or power play, but I still find it so fucking weird when a guy slaps my ass. Like, it would never, ever occur to me to strike a partner during sex (unless perhaps it's a terrible ex, or someone with whom I have a contentious relationship).

Why did most of the men I was fucking think it was cool? Did they think I enjoyed this? Did they even care?

By the time I was 30 I'd been non-consensually choked, slapped (on my face, breasts, genitals), spanked, jizzed upon, called names, etc. And regularly. It seemed like every other lover was mildly violent and aggressive, regardless of their personalities. Even during my most recent encounter my partner suddenly started "dirty talking" and called me a whore, slut, dirty - when he'd been so gentle and sensual only minutes prior.

While I am not anti-porn, I definitely see it - combined with a lack of comprehensive sex education all around the world - as a big contributing problem. People are learning sex from porn. Men - if watching mainstream heterosexual porn, are receiving constant messages that women love being gagged, made to cry, choked, and brutalized. I myself do watch porn, but it's become increasingly difficult to find anything non-amateur that isn't male-centered, super violent, degrading, and IMO, fucking gross (not to mention unsafe on so many levels).

Add in bullshit like 50 Shades of Grey - which bastardizes consensual sexual power play - and now real, physical harm and even death is happening.

TL;DR: If you are not 100%, enthusiastically into something, don't feel like you need to do it. Talk to your partner BEFORE sex as it can be hard for many women to voice their opinions in the moment. Even I let that "dirty talk" slide on my last encounter, and I know that we need to have a conversation about it before hooking up again. Your partner should be pleasing you, asking you what you like, and vice versa. It doesn't matter how "normal" you think something is, or how many of your friends do it, or if a guy expects it. Consent is everything. Consent isn't the absence of a no. Consent is a FUCK YES I WANT THIS. Someone pressuring you is a red flag.

Just do you, and don't let some fucking wanker choke you to death or tear your sphincter apart or give you an STD, MMMMM K?!

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