Thursday, 18 February 2016

Adventures in Dating Part 2 – Tips to Combat the Ghosting (and other dating) Blues

For Adventures in Dating Part 1, come on over here!

I posted this a while ago as a comment on a lovely friend's facebook post, but I think it's helpful to anyone who dates online and is looking for something more than just a one-nighter.

Rude-ass behaviour like "ghosting" is INCREDIBLY common these days, and dating can be really hard (when it's not being incredibly fun).

Hopefully some of you find these things *I* do to be helpful. I'm someone who used to get HELLA depressed about my dating life (and I still do - but now only on rare occasions). I've expanded a bit on a few of the points

As always, If you've got any fun stories, tips, adventures use the #AdventuresInDating hashtag. 

1. I take online dating (and all dating) VERY lightly.

2. I watch people's actions. Someone who can't find 30 secs to send a quick text when we've made tentative plans is either not into me, or they're just too busy to date. Or, I'm what I call their "barrel bottom selection" which means when they've exhausted everyone else, they come back to me (often a typical place for the fat girls, sadly) - which also means "not that into me". I also watch for patterns, so for example: someone with whom I was texting every day suddenly starts taking 2, 3, 4 days to get back to me - without explanation - is possibly losing (or has already lost) interest.

3. I only go on dating sites via the web (not apps), and only about once a week or less. I fill my time with the things I love to do - write, make art, design, look at fonts, see amazing theatre, spend time with my friends, ride my bike, swim in pools, etc. I make online dating low on my priority list, even though the ever-elusive (cue angelic singing) ***idealized love*** is high on my wants list! I try to never check my love-box when I'm sad, angry, down, hungry, or feeling bad about myself. GO CRUSH CANDIES OR HAVE AN APPLE!
Alternatively, "clear the custard" on your own if that's more helpful! 




4. I NEVER get too excited about someone until at least the third date. I enjoy the pre-meeting conversation, but know that no matter how much I may dig them - or think they dig me in return - they may poof. There may also be zero chemistry when we meet in person.

5. I bitch about humanity and modern dating with friends over burgers, drinks, or manicure sessions (or video games, sushi, bubble tea - whatever happens to be your jam)!

6. I understand that - especially with younger folks - dating is no longer the traditional thing I (or you, i.e. 30+ folks) may think of it as. A lot of people just want to hang out, "Netflix and chill" (which usually just means "I'm too shy to ask you ask you to have sex"), or like "come over". Put the kibosh on that early if you're into dating in public.
NOT NOW REGINALD! Steven Avery's sexy lawyers are about to be overruled!!

7. I don't hesitate to delete that person from my phone, inbox, etc. if they've flaked more than twice (special circumstances for folks who've explained themselves). Erase all traces. Forget and move on. I know it *seems* that there are actually NOT plenty of fish in the sea (especially if you're fat, a sex worker, old, not white, are a single parent, or otherwise deemed "undateable" by the unrefined dating masses), but there will always be more fishes.

8. I generally don't send "just let me know if you're not feeling it" messages because... well... I already know the answer, and I don't let myself play those "maybe he lost his phone, or didn't get my message" games. It *can* happen (and I recently lost a bunch of contacts, twice), but I find it pretty rare. Especially if we're still communicating through the site or via email (as opposed to text), they can find me. I have been known to send a "I deserve better than ghosting" email to folks who've vanished after dates, though - and I know not to expect a response.

9. I hug my (mostly single) friends and other sweeties because YEAH, dating is hard! If you don't have amazing friends AND you're attempting online dating, I'd suggest abandoning the latter until you've changed the former.
Hug someone who would rather stab a kitten than purposely ignore you!


10. And when I have a fun date? I just try my best to enjoy the one date, because no matter how amazing, reciprocal, and full of potential it seems to be, it may be the last. It may lead to another and fizzle out. He may be trying to literally charm my pants off. He may text-bomb me before I even have a chance to get home. I always remind myself that getting to know someone takes time. With dating - where we so often throw caution to the wind (lookin' at you, fellow Libras) - it's especially important to slow down and figure out the important things like: How do they behave when they're hungry? Angry? Hangry? Tired? Broke? How do they treat animals, service people, talk about their moms, their exes, etc.? Sometimes it just "clicks" on a first date, and I just go with it, but as with anything involving strangers who make my stomach flutter, I'm always aware that it may not last until next week. 

But hey! I'm single, so take my advice at your own risk.

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